NEXT time you return to your car and find it smashed up and violated, think of the scally that did it and it's unlikely that Nicolas Cage's stylish good looks will come to mind as the potential thief.

Yet in Gone in 60 Seconds, he is exactly that - and cars are his speciality. His job is to break into 50 cars in one night, or else his brother gets it big time from Northern baddie Christopher Eccleston.

Sounds fun, but it's about as exciting as Jeremy Clarkson putting his foot down on the M25. It's the kind of film you look forward to seeing but, a few minutes in, you can tell it's heading for a cul-de-sac of fast-editing, a booming soundtrack and pointless characters.

Cage plays Randall Raines, a brilliant car thief forced out of retirement because his brother Kip (Giovanni Ribisi) has wronged his mob boss Raymond Calitri (Christopher Eccleston).

The big boss threatens to kill Kip if his brother doesn't do what he says. So Cage has to gather a crack team of criminals and follow orders to steal 50 classic cars in one night.

Nicolas Cage, Angelina Jolie and Robert Duvall all spend time looking or acting ultra-cool but can't do much with the cut-and-thrust material on offer, which has all the glorious timing of a Vinnie Jones tackle.

The former Wimbledon footballer appears in a cameo role here as the strong and silent type but, if he appears in too much of this kind of dross, he might be forced to make a comeback on the football field.

But surely, a film about the high-octane world of fast cars would give us a few memorable car chases to raise the adrenalin level?

Alas, no. Director Dominic Sena can't even deliver that, although an Evel Knievel-style setpiece does offer a little bit of excitement.

Gone in 60 Seconds is the ideal no-brainer movie complete with classy cars, clueless cops and a crinkly old thief who knows everything about men and motors.

It's a typical joyriding film that swerves uncontrollably and swaggers with attitude but shows little in the way of firm direction or coherent dialogue.

The boys who are too cool for school, tooled up and looking for tips on how to nick a motor, are probably waiting with bated breath for this movie.

Even those misguided souls, however, will only remember the film for about 60