YOU wouldn't ****ing belive it!

I'm here in arguably the most technologically advanced country on the planet, and my sodding laptop packed up for the past week, hence the lack of views coming from Pieman.

I hold Mrs P partly responsible. Not for my laptop packing up, but for insisting we stay in the back of beyond, miles away from anything vaguely resembling an internet cafe.

Oh well, thanks to a Japanese computer whizzkid who's staying in the appartment next door, we've finally managed to get the thing back working again, so, albeit rather belatedly, here goes.

What a week to miss! England get knocked out by a fluke, the Korean dream finally ends amid conspiracy theories galore, and, in the biggest travesty in the history of football, a poxy second-rate Kraut side somehow get to the final!

First of all, let's deal with poor old Sven's men.

For 20 glorious minutes or so it looked like we were on the brink, but thanks to some breathtaking skill and the flukeist free-kick you'll ever see in your life, the boys were back on their way home, soaked by Seaman's tears.

It wasn't the fact that we lost that hurt, but the manner of the defeat.

Against ten-man for the last half-hour, even the most pessimistic of fans would have fancied our chances of at least forcing extra-time, but we didn't even manage to get in a shot of any particular note!

England lacked invention and looked knackered, and couldn't even keep hold of the ball for any period of time. In short, they were taught a harsh lesson.

We still have much to learn, but if this was a tournament too soon for Sven's men then the future can only be promising.

The highlight of the tournament - well, there can be only one. The little red men who thrilled a nation, and delighted millions worldwide.

Yes, they did have the luckiest ride imaginable, with, first the Itais, and then the Dagos falling victim to some truly crap refereeing decisions, but, come on, where's your sense of romance!

Coach Guus is now a God just across the sea, while most of the players will never have to pay for a meal again in their lives.

Good luck to them, that's what I say, and, hopefully, it will make some of the supposed football super powers finally realise they don't have a devine right to be the best all the time.

But of all the teams to get knocked out by! Mauled in Munich less than a year ago to potential World Cup winners; it just, again, goes to prove what a ridiculous sport football can be.

If you want a conspiracy theory, someone should investigate how Germany have had such an easy route through to the final. But, even then, they should have lost to the Yanks in the quarters, while they coudn't really have complained if Korea had taken them to extra-time in the semis.

So, in two days, football's two most illustrious nations will cross swords for the first time in a final. Who will win? Easy - Brazil because Ronaldo, who makes Becks' haircut look positively sensible, will complete his remarkable return from the nightmare of four years ago to score in the final. Don't say I didn't warn you!

June 27, 2002 14:30