FIGHTING out of the Red corner; weighing in at a healthy weight, one of football’s most notorious villains, the “Windmiller from Watford” – Vinnie Jones.

And in the Blue corner; the country’s least favourite lottery winner, the face you see when you look up the word “chav” in the dictionary, looking slightly chubby around his midriff – Michael “the Lotto Lout” Carroll.

(Cue Rocky music).

It’s Hardman vs Fatman.

It’s Footballer vs Knuckle-dragger.

It’s Jones vs Carroll.

Lets get ready to rumble!

(End music).

Anyone who likes a spot of celebrity boxing could be in luck.

Vinnie Jones has apparently challenged Michael Carroll to a bare-knuckle boxing bout and the fight could be coming to a ring near you.

It seems news that Mikey – he’s the self-styled “King of Chavs” who scooped £9.7 million on the lottery in 2002 before spending it all on tasteless houses and gold jewellery – could be stepping onto the silver screen has reached Vinnie.

Unhappy with this, Vinnie has decided to get off his Californian sunbed and challenge Carroll to a bout of fisty cuffs.

He has demanded each fighter put £500,000 on the line and, if Vinnie wins, he has offered to donate his purse to Harefield Hospital.

The one sticking point could be that the chav has allegedly spent all his winnings.

However, it is for charity after all and I for one am all for it.

I do, nevertheless, have one slight concern.

I sincerely hope Mr Carroll has slightly more than the stated £500,000 stashed under his leopard print duvet – the medical treatment he will need after Vinnie is through with him could end up bankrupting the whole NHS trust.

A BIG thank you to Maggie Stephens for writing to me this week with news of a refreshingly honest Tannoy announcer and, it seems, a worryingly wimpish train.

Mrs Stephens was waiting at Bushey station last Tuesday morning when news of the 7.49am train from Watford to London was relayed to the bleary-eyed commuters.

According to Mrs Stephens and just for the record, the morning was nothing more than a mild October dawn, with just the faintest drizzle in the air.

Nevertheless, proving that even trains suffer from those mornings when we all want to stay under the duvet, the Tannoy announcer relayed the news (I hope with a heavy amount of sarcasm) that the train was running ten minutes late due to “autumn weather”.

The poor train.

Surely someone could have lent the big, cuddly machine a brolly and a woolly jumper?

We don’t want it catching the sniffles now do we?

I APOLOGISE if this is now becoming tiresome but my fascination with my Google Alerts is apparently never ending.

A Google Alert, for those of you who don’t know, is sent to a subscriber every time a key word or phrase is mentioned in the news, or indeed anywhere on the internet.

A wonderfully helpful journalistic tool I am sure you will agree - except of course it is not quite foolproof, as has been well documented on these pages.

Nevertheless my fellow hack Filip Hnizdo (he of Hertsmere fame) and I were still left scratching our heads at a particularly curious alert concerning Radlett.

Opening the e-mail my red-faced colleague was whisked to a site containing a full and unedited version of fleshy flick, Confessions of a Window Cleaner.

For anyone who has not seen it, the smutty film concerns the “extra-curricular” activities of an eager to please window cleaner.

While watching the star run his squeegee over some altogether strange looking surfaces, Filip’s hawk-like hearing suddenly picked up why he had been sent the alert.

Between all the puffing and panting the phrase “Oh, Mrs Radlett” was clearly audible to Filip (and the entire newsroom).

Congratulations to Google – you are my heroes.