The list of things that used to be so easy but are now insurmountable problems pile up when you ‘hit an age.’ My current nemesis is that of the diet.

Weighing in a few years ago at a trim 12.5 stone, many asked me if I had a wasting disease which I didn’t mind as its preferable to the Fatty boom-boom Arbuckle jibes I currently endure. I’m not sure from whence it came. It kind of crept up like a chubby ninja and shot me in the midriff and, despite cycling most days and subscribing to whatever diet it is that is en vogue this month, I just cannot shift the flab.

I am left therefore blaming my underactive thyroid and the Kenopause, and often find myself starving my body all day and doing a brisk 20-mile bike ride only to find I have put a couple of pounds on.

I have tried so many diets I have forgotten the name of them except the most recent: I have just come off three months on Keto where I wasted 50 quid on Huel breakfast shakes (nasty and best avoided, although the free t-shirt was a result), and only eat nuts and cheese in the day and meat and vegetables at night (with no potatoes or rice).

Now I won’t delve too far into the intricacies of said diet, but I lost half a stone in a week which then crept back on over the next two weeks. My gut then levelled out for the next two months or so until I gave up and moved onto a new fad. The worst thing about Keto though, without a doubt is, how should I put this? It wreaks havoc with your bowels resulting in treble the use of family toilet roll and the Amazon delivery driver wearing a hazmat suit on his thrice weekly multipack delivery visits.

Did I reach Ketosis? I haven’t a clue, although it was only toward the end, I realised that a couple of bottles of Bud of an evening probably did little to help toward that aim. I even then, at a friend’s bequest, shifted onto IPA, but again no weight was shed so Keto went to the been there, done it, failed it category and I have now moved onto Slimming World.

Being of a frugal disposition, I piggybacked onto a friend’s expertise who is a signed-up member. Having given me a crash course on ‘syns’ and ‘free foods’ I have now changed my diet entirely and three days in have lost a couple of pounds. That said, no doubt by the time this goes to press ill be the size of Rik Waller and Sam Smith’s lovechild, but I’m nothing if not game. The new diet consists of lots of rice and potatoes, which thankfully has the Amazon delivery driver taking off the hazmat upon his less frequent deliveries, and rice cakes, which are an unexciting food group, except for the Marmite concoctions which are to die for, rice cake speaking.

The biggest issue however is not only self perception and body image (personally I despise being fat), but that of clothing. I had a tear in my eye in the attic the other day going through bags of ‘thin clothes’ which now I can barely get over my head before realising that my fat clothes are now too tight, and I must wear some superfat clothing to get me through. On a recent trip to Bulgaria, despite me being XL here, I failed to fit into XXXL with the cocky teenage upstart advising me to ‘lay off the beer Mister.’

And so, the artist formerly known as rake moves on to the next fanciful blend of eating which has made some nondescript Australian a millionaire, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll learn to live with it or move to a country where the plus size is lauded and not derided despite the vast majority of us now being on the wrong side of the obesity fence...

  • Brett Ellis is a teacher