Sometimes I literally have to pinch myself to the point of self harm to believe it is really 2024 and society has progressed. Although infrequent, we can put man on the moon and destroy towns with a single laser guided missile, or even fly supersonically, all tasks that show mankind’s progression.

But then we look at security and our reliance on technology that, despite protestations to the contrary, generally fail to fill the gap. Electric cars are a swindle, unless you're happy with travelling but a few miles before leaving it on charge overnight and don’t worry about the cyclists as the silent killer takes out yet another two-wheel environmental brethren.

I visited the hospital lately and noted that the security measures have not changed in my living memory. Now, it's highly unlikely that I would get wind of another’s appointment and then attend hospital in their place, so I am unsure as to the ‘security’ measures in place upon arriving at reception: They generally start with a toughie such as ‘what’s your name’ which is on the appointment letter you’ve just handed to them. If you can pass this test, you are then faced with the ‘what’s the first line of your address and postcode?’ which must separate the fraudulent wheat from the ne’er-do-well chafe.

After arriving home, you decide to relax by watching something on iPlayer. The box pings up: ‘Do you have a TV licence: yes or no.’ I have been tempted to tick ‘no’ just to see what happens, but I am not brave enough. I fully expect to be locked out of BBC content for my lifetime, not that that would necessarily be a bad thing, but I just don’t have the cajones.

Just as lame as the Beeb’s security feature is the ‘tick if you’re a human’ box prior to watching videos on platforms such as Facebook. Sometimes, when dealing with such inane nonsense I wonder if I am indeed human and again hover over the box, my index finger coiled like a trained ninja, ready to strike to view the video which will likely be a huge anti-climax anyhow, yet, given there is only one option to click, I go along with their folly thus allowing them to track me and my usage using cookies, whatever they may be.

But the crème de la creme of online security features: the daddy: the undisputed don: is the ‘tick all boxes with’ feature which is the security equivalent of University Challenge. Now it sounds easy to tick all the squares containing ‘a bike,’ but for the OCD amongst us, there is mass confusion as a millimetre of the bike wheel goes into the top right box and the saddle juts into the centre left box. Does it mean in whole or part? If I don’t tick it, I may never get to see the video of a horse charging a hiker in deepest Dorset and I give the squares the thought and gravitas they deserve, breathing a huge sigh of relief once I reach the virtual hallowed lands.

Still, I shouldn’t grumble if that’s as tough as security gets online. Some features, such as fingerprint technology generally work (although I do wonder how people who lose their thumbs in a DIY accident manage to unlock their phones). My banking app is great, requiring my sausage shaped digit on the screen as I wonder why thieves haven’t caught onto cutting folk's fingers off to access their funds, akin to the South American explosion in organ theft from unsuspecting tourists who wake up in a ditch in Bolivia minus a kidney.

The old style banking security was a mare: who can forget the strange code generator machine they sent through the post that never worked as you instead went all old school and visited a branch when they had that thing called ‘staff’ serving you before we were forced to serve ourselves, but that is another moan, for another column. For now, I will keep on bucking security features as I enjoy the fruits of western civilisation, no matter how cumbersome and frustrating they can be at times….

  • Brett Ellis is a teacher