In his seminal role in ‘Falling Down,’ Michael Douglas portrays ‘William’: A defence worker who, having reached breaking point with society's numerous flaws, finally snaps.

My favourite scene, sadistically, and in unison, as I have also encountered such a first world problem, is when he attempts to purchase a McDonald's breakfast at 10.31am, one minute past the brekkie cut off time. Granted, he ventured a tad over the line by pulling out a firearm to force the Mcworkers into satisfying his urge for a Bacon and Egg McMuffin, but I begrudgingly admire his force of feeling in challenging such job worthiness.

Now, being a semi centurion I, of course, am adept at keeping my temper in check, although, if I, and my fellow workforce are brutally honest, we do occasionally daydream about throwing our toys out the pram when faced with corporate nonsense such as that encountered by William.

Every morning, I drop into a supermarket to furnish my lunchtime with a meal deal. The staff are generally helpful and friendly and there’s a kindred spirit as I stand in line, under the artificial light, pre 7am with scaffolders and the lynchpins of the British economy. Generally, we are treated with a well-meaning ‘have a good day’ from one of the staff body.

There is this one chap however who, even when alone behind bullet proof glass, wears a face mask as if he hasn’t heard the news that lockdown is over. Whatever. However, he is quite happy to pick my pasta meal up and scan it but when I hold the nectar card for him to scan (he doesn’t need to touch it) he refuses every single day and forces me to scan it myself as if I work there and am an unpaid member of the crew. Now I would of course not go full Michael Douglas, but I feel my blood boiling as to his narkiness and have recently allowed my fellow lunch buyers safe passage to jump the queue so I can be served by his colleague who will happily scan my wares and club card.

Still, we reach an age where no doubt we all have a story as to that one time, not in bandcamp, where we did tred over the line and go all ‘falling down’. Mine came in my early twenties when I temped at a very well-known utility company off Coldharbour Lane in Brixton. I lasted an impressive three days.

The boss, a middle aged, gaunt, rat-faced specimen was a real piece of work, constantly demeaning others and making nasty comments: he was universally despised. He was one of those people you took an instant dislike too as it saved time later. So, on day three, as I sat inputting data, which is as crushingly dull a job as I have ever endured, he had an unprovoked dig at me, followed by his pushing my button by doing the one thing I truly despise: Bullying, and making cry, a lovely young single mother on an adjacent desk. I stood up and, littered between expletives, offered him outside before throwing a hole punch at him and attempting to grab him to dangle the weasel out of the first-floor window.

He ran and hid in his office as I, like a demented madman, completely overreacting, lost my excreta as I tried to batter through the fire door to rip him limb from limb. Looking back, of course, and with maturity now on my side, it is not an act I am proud of, but suffice to say we all have that one moment of madness in us, and that, to my shame, was mine. What justified my actions at the time was unexpected. I decamped, unemployed, to the local pub. When work finished sometime later, most of the staff body came in and gave me a round of applause and I left at closing time having not put my hand in my pocket all night.

So fast forward to today. We are faced, outside of work, with inputting data on unworkable government systems, of calling up insurers who attempt to justify trebling premiums after leaving us on hold for 40 minutes despite the recorded message stating they are doing ‘all they can’ to help us (bar employing more staff), as post-work stresses are magnified and intensified and we wonder why we are a country suffering from an unprecedented mental health crisis. So, although we should not hold Douglas on a pedestal, as there by the grace of God go we, hoping we can manage to keep a lid on it whilst we are aware that the problem is not only that of just William…

  • Brett Ellis is a teacher