Grieving son talks about losing his mother during lockdown

A year ago, Ramila Tara Smyth, 58, was recovering from a rare heart condition she had suffered with for nearly ten years.

But as the pandemic set in, she contracted the virus and her health plummeted.

Her son Chris Oram was working for British Airways and abroad at the time, but was concerned when he noticed his mother was ill and suffering some Covid symptoms on March 21, 2020.

After returning to Watford, he delivered some food to his mother’s doorstep, never expecting this would be the last time he would see her.

Ramila Tara Smyth

On April 1 she was rushed to Watford General Hospital, and the family's anxiety increased after hearing a critical incident was declared at the hospital due to oxygen supply problems.

She was rushed to ICU, and the family were asked to stop calling the hospital as it was becoming overwhelmed.

But Mrs Smyth was alert enough to continue messaging the family, and she kept her family informed of her condition, including messages that she could not breathe, she wanted to go home. She also kept repeating the words ‘brace yourselves’.

Her husband was called in to the hospital and told that his wife was on the other side of the wall, and that she had around 12 to 24 hours left to live.

On April 9, her daughter rang the hospital and was asked if she wanted to speak to her mother.

Recalling the conversation his sister had, Mr Oram said: “They said ‘this is going to be the last time you’re going to be able to talk to her. She won’t be able to respond to you, but she can hear you’.

“My sister said to her ‘we love you and we’re so proud of you and we’ll be fine’. She closed her eyes and passed away while on the phone.”

Chris Oram and Ramila Tara Smyth

Now Mr Oram is concerned that the isolation and lack of normal ways to grieve will have a long-term mental health impact on bereaved families – not just those with members who died of Covid, but anyone who died during the pandemic under restrictions.

Sadly, Mr Oram's mother passed away on his partner’s birthday, which he said will be a “reminder for life”.

He said: “We all dealt with it in different ways. I went into depression, I started drinking, I put weight on and did all the things I probably shouldn’t do.

"Even now, of course I’m not in a great place, I’m trying to build this support for people that are in the same situation.”

Mr Oram said people would often try to comfort him and say they know what he is going through, but he said restrictions during the pandemic have limited how people should normally grieve.

He said: “Covid bereavement is not just about people lost to Covid – but it’s people lost during the pandemic. There’s nothing normal about the grieving. You can’t see anybody, there’s ten people at a funeral, no wake – these bereavement supports have no idea what they’re doing, because they have never dealt with anything like it before.

“I don’t think we have moved on or can move on because of the situation, because we can’t grieve like normal. Grieving like normal is seeing your friends, seeing your family, having a wake, being able to perform all of their last wishes at their funeral.”

Chris Oram as a child with his mother

Since the death, Mr Oram has appeared on Question Time and Good Morning Britain to speak about his concerns – and helped other campaigns to support those grieving during the pandemic.

This includes Project Wingman, an initiative for airline crew to go to hospitals and give moral support to NHS workers, who he says also need bereavement support for the loss of their patients.

He continued: “The one thing I’m trying to get away from is that these people are statistics or numbers - these are people. They are mums, wives, sisters, brothers, dads, sons,  these people are real people that are lost and taken too early.”

Ramila had a "beautiful smile"

Mr Oram said his mother had “so much more to live for” and was loved by the Watford community, saying “she had a look about her that you could not miss.”

Fortunately, in November 2019 she was able to fulfil her dream of going to Kenya and experiencing a safari there before contracting Covid-19.

“As much as mum’s heart was really damaged, she had a lot of heart for a lot of people, especially in this area,” he said.

We have a new website section dedicated to your Covid-19 messages and tributes. If you know someone who you want to thank, praise, remember or pay tribute to, we would be honoured if you were to leave your messages, poems, stories and artwork here.